--Original published at Miguel's College Blog
The number of divorces has increased over the past couple of years for a myriad of reasons. It may be generational, religious, or a societal paradigm shift that accepts divorce more easily. Whatever the case may be, divorce changes the dynamic of a family. Children are caught in the crossfire of pre-divorced parents and are left confused when the parents do divorce. Whether or not children are negatively or positively affected by divorce has been a consistent topic of debate.
An article by Dr. Jann Gumbiner of Psychology Today argues that no matter the outcome of the divorce, the divorce destroys a child’s concept of a family and further negatively affects the child. Dr. Gumbiner is a psychologist and a daughter of a divorce so her experience with divorce is not only firsthand, but also researched and studied. Dr. Gumbiner shares that after divorce, children feel a sense of self blame for the failed marriage. Even older or intelligent children are left even with a small sense of guilt that the divorce happened to their family. Along with the confusion, children were more prone to partake in rebellious behavior because of the lack of parental supervision. Dr. Gumbiner responded to how people in the 70’s thought that getting divorced was okay for self growth as being selfish. She wonders why parents would put their children at risk for their own dream of happiness. Children are dependent on adults, while adults are supposed to be the responsible figure that influences their children in a positive way. Dr. Gumbiner also brings up the point that children of divorce suffer long term consequences when it comes to building relationships. Children of divorce are more likely to divorce and go into relationships cautious about trusting others.
Another article that supports the perspective that children are negatively impacted by divorce comes from the Institute of Family Studies. The author, Harry Benson, is a communications director of the Marriage Foundation, a foundation that educates and strives to help people think about their relational choices. Benson shares two main reasons why a divorce can damage a child. The first reason is that after a divorce, the child witnesses a drastic change in economical stability. Family income is split and may impact the child’s way of life. Resources become limited and this type of stress not only affects the parent, but also the child. To add to this, single parents have to adjust their parenting style and may have to take on both roles of the parent, further confusing the child’s interpretation of parenting roles. The second reason is that children perceive divorce differently from their parents. The parent’s decision to separate is obvious between the two, while the child is kept in the dark up until the separation. This confuses the child as it brings a sense of self blame and affects the child’s perception of relationships when they get older. Benson adds that another aspect of confusion can come when the parents get along after the separation. The child only sees that the parents are cooperating, so why was it necessary to separate?
While the past two articles have shown how divorce negatively impacts children, there is still debate on the positive impacts that divorce can have on not only the child, but also the parents. An article by Wendy Paris of Psychology Today shares a study by Cambridge University professor Michael Lamb that supports positive outcomes of children after divorce. The study showed that children are well off when they can have good relationships with both parents, even if the parents are not living in the same house. Also, children benefit from having parents that are emotionally stable. This allows a safe, stable environment for the child to thrive in. Lastly, the study showed that children benefit with adequate resources like food, housing, and social support, but do not have to be provided by parents that are living under the same roof. Paris shares that after her own divorce, she was able to balance co-parenting through structured routines, thoughtful communication between parents, and being emotionally present for her children. By having separated parents that can cooperate and support their children, the children are allowed to thrive and create a better understanding of relationships.
Another article by Brette Sember, an author for the Huffington Post, shares how a divorce might be better than staying in a toxic marriage. Sember was a former divorce attorney, mediator, and law guardian so she has interacted with many families going through separation that allows her to share a unique perspective on divorce. Sember talks about how staying married “for this kids” is toxic because the children are exposed to a volatile environment. Arguments, tension, and possibly violence are created under one roof and a child absorbs all of the negative energy, resulting in possible replication of the environment when they are older. By separating, there are benefits that the child are exposed to such as two homes where arguments do not take place. Sember shares that although two homes may be an adjustment, having two homes where negative emotions are not present allows children to grow, without having to go around negativity. Another benefit through separation is the overall calmer emotional baseline. After the separation, the parents have found a new normal and the tension has subsided, allowing everyone to settle down. Having happy parents is one of the main benefits of separating. The parents’ overall happiness allows children to feel safe, feel happy, and learn that separation does not always have to have a negative end to it.
Personally, I think that divorce should be an option whenever all other resources have been exhausted. I think that it is important that as adults and parents, they should try and do whatever they must to fix their marriage before deciding to separate. Also, it is incredibly important for the parents to keep their children informed of the situation at hand so that they are not blindsided by any decision that may happen within the family. Divorce is a route that should be tread carefully because of the repercussions that may occur to the children. Children have the right to know what is happening to their family.
Sources:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-teenage-mind/201110/divorce-hurts-children-even-grown-ones
https://ifstudies.org/blog/when-and-why-divorce-hurts-kids
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/splitopia/201503/yes-you-can-raise-happy-children-after-divorce
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/brette-sember/why-a-good-divorce-is-better-than-a-bad-marriage-for-kids_b_6925236.html